Walking Alone

22nd February (Friday)

Met hl and milli for dinner yesterday at Casuarina and hl made NS sound fucking fun, I can't wait to enter =_=". Tried to sneak into hl's mysterious abode with milli after his mum said we shouldn't go in cause its too messy... ...but to no avail... Went to milli's house to chill out but i quickly felt like a fucking bright lighthouse after a while... Oh, and i actually ran, after like 10 months? ...to the bus stop in fear of missing the last 855. These last buses are quite accurate ah, it did arrive exactly at 0015 just like the signboard said, and i got off my bus stop at 0023. (I hate maths but i don't know why irrelevant numbers just stick in my head sometimes)


23rd February (Saturday)

Went for 1st guitar lesson with Randolf. Learnt quite a lot of stuff other than technical playing / music theory from him. I really respect that guy! Met hl, milli and Brandon for dinner later at Bishan J8 (yay! that made me feel like a dimmer lightbulb!). Our agenda today was to discuss on band matters. Sean couldn't make it cause of the compulsory genus concert CJGE made him go... Okay, so...

Band Matters
We were supposed to meet to discuss some issues like, our band image, whether to get a new perm vocalist, some admin stuff, technical stuff and our long term goals. All was well on the 1st 2 points but I guessed it got harder to digest after pt 3.

I think I talked to much and everybody was like "...huh..." which made me went the same way... We got to point 5 on our long term goals and multiple bombshells were dropped. I guess reality hurts cause I really felt lost when Brandon brought up some cold hard facts. What had I been thinking before I asked myself. My brain was too fucked by reality to think then... A few questions suddenly came pouring in which didn't ease the disorientation I was facing. "What if I don't get into mdc?" "what if we can't commit to the band?" "what if brandon goes overseas to further his studies/work in three years time?" "what if milli goes overseas to further her studies in three years time?" "what if hl can't practise as much as he would like to due to NS?" "what happens when sean goes into ns?" "what happens if brandon goes into ns?" "long term?" "what if the band doesn't survive past this year?" "what?!" "fuck you la!" "...emo kid..." "i'm useless" "why am I staying to friends who're going overseas?" "my maths fail? 1 + 1 = 5?" "lol dreamer" "maybe it helps to be less selfless at times?" "wake up your ideas la idiot!" "mass tmr at 9.45?" "choir?!" "birthday lunch?" "huh i planned it? oh okay... err" "fuck?"

So... We met to solve some pending questions but we ended up with more... ...or at least I ended up with more... Records show I have a tendency to give my all into what I believe in.. ..and when they don't work out I feel totally fucked up eg cjge, t13 welfare.. Maybe that's the reason why I don't start any close relationships.. But again, maybe this is the reason why I feel fucked up... I feel like I'm walking alone again... My paradox of life... Has been getting more obvious since my waning faith and disconnectedness with God around mid last year after syf.. Oh well, I'm gonna get my hardest fucking in 1 to 2 weeks time when A level results are out so I'll just enjoy this down moment while I still can...

"I must be emo!" lol. If this pms thing is happening every Saturday night, I'm gonna kill myself. =) happy Ben indeed! The trail of footsteps on the sand really looks like mine and mine alone...



Sometimes I need to apologize..
Sometimes I need to admit that I ain't right..
Sometimes I should just keep my mouth shut, or only say hello..
Sometimes I still feel I'm walking alone..

Walk on eggshells on my old stomping ground,
Yet there's really no one left, that's hanging around.
Isn't that another familiar face?
Too drunk to figure out they're fading away...